We all have one thing in common; the icons of our youth. Falling asleep each night to stories of epic heros. We grow old and forget these exemplars of times past. Names like Poppa bear, Curious George, and the ever-popular Pig Number Three. Few wonder what happened to these gallant champions. I wondered. Many have passed as martyrs, some still exist to continue their fight, and others... well, others were not so lucky.

Cat in the Hat: Contrary to the appearances given by a recent movie release, the Cat in the Hat was hardly in any shape to be performing house invasions. A botched neutering left him impotent and bitter. He developed a solid catnip habit. Unfortunately, catnip often leads to stronger and harder addictions. It certainly did here. At the time of his recent death, he was mainlining the veterinary painkillers Darvan and Ultram.

Charlie Bucket: Many remember his trip through the chocolate factory. What child wouldn't want to own an endless supply of confectionery? The result should be of little surprise to anyone. He certainly did his part to raise the average level of obesity. At the time of his death, he weighed more than 1300 lbs. That's almost twice the total weight of all of the Oompa Loompas he employed. In fact, many of those Oompa Loompas had been diverted from chocolate making so that they could perform regularly scheduled spongings and hosings. As a side note, the mystery of the two missing Oompas was solved when the autopsy discovered two skeletons crushed between rolls of fat.

Nancy Drew: Nancy Drew was doing extremely well. Her estate was said to be worth almost two billion dollars when it all came crumbling down around her. A seemingly unerring ability to dredge up crime was found to be less than random chance. Drew was found dead due to a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head. Apparently she was unable to face the shame. Her bookkeeper released documentation to the media showing that she was the head of a huge crime ring. She was maintaining anonymity by "solving a crime" whenever the police got close to one of her schemes. This would throw them off the scent and prevent them from discovering enough information to see the big picture.

Winnie the Pooh: Honey Pot indeed. This sleeze merchant dove into disgusting schemes so base that little can even be told here. Let's just say that there are several nauseating video tapes funded by Pooh still floating around some of the more squalid parts of internet. Christopher Robin (aka Christopher Rubbing), Eeyore (aka EeySore) and Winnie the Pooh (aka Winnie the Poo) are all awaiting extradition from the 100 Aker Wood.

3-cushion Billiards: I've never seen this game before. It's very cool. Played on a table similar to a pool table except larger, without pockets, and (for some reason) heated. There are three balls: a white, a yellow (the cues: one for each player), and a red (the object ball). You must contact the red and the other players cue. You must also contact three or more cushions with your cue as you do this. Doing so gives you points. It's great to watch the level of skill. Very popular in Egypt. I bet it'll gain popularity here.