How's Mr. Clause?
You mean Cecil Reingold Mortimer? Fat, lazy and stinking of spoiled eggnog, like usual. The old fart doesn't even change his Depends until the Reindeer start to get woozy.

And Mrs. Clause?
She cleared out when tubbo got addicted to internet porn. I think she's hanging out with some 20-something fjord painter in Finland. The guy must be some kind of chubby-chaser with an Oedipus complex. She can sure cook up a good reindeer steak, though. I suppose I've probably slept with worse for a decent meal.

Are Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen doing well?
Holy fuck, dude. How long do you think a Raindeer lasts? Those guys were sausages on the Boxing Day dinner table years ago.

Who is pulling the sleigh now?
Well, Cecil does name the little shit factories in keeping with the times. I don't make a point of memorizing the names of the turd heard, but I think they're called Slasher, Cancer, Manson, Nixen, Ajax, Stupid, Dinner and Bitchin.

What about Rudolf the Red-nosed Reindeer?
Brown-nosed reindeer more like. What a fucking little ass-kisser he was. Someone popped a cap in his ass a couple of years ago over the Yangtze. We never did find out who did it. Not that we tried too hard.

How do you see without his nose-so-bright?
Don't you read Popular Science? GPS, Doppler, and Side-scan radar. And it's not like his nose was all that bright. In a dark barn it really just cast a bunch of nauseating nose vein shadows.

Why do you need eight reindeer on the sleigh? Is it that heavy, or is it so you can go fast enough?
Nah, one reindeer could handle the load. It's just that they're only rated for about 5000km in a single flight. And all that stop-and-go flying stresses them out something awful. It's not unusual to lose two or three in a night. With eight, the survivors can keep the sleigh aloft while some poor elf sucker climbs along the harness and cuts away the dead engine.

How can you fit all those toys in the sleigh at one time?
We don't. We bring barely any at all. Just enough for the first few houses. The rest is all wrapping paper. While we're at each house we take one or two of the toys already under the tree or swipe a little something lying around the living room. We then give that to the next house. How many times have you said, "We must have thrown it out with the wrapping paper"? And kids always play with the box more than the toy because there was no fucking toy. The next door neighbor got it instead of your little snot bucket.

How do you keep track of all the naughty and nice kids?
That used to be a real bitch. We used to just make most of it up. It's gotten way easier since those folks in the US gave up all their rights with that Patriot Act thing. We just send an official looking fax to the FBI and they send us the complete list. We don't even have to get a court order or anything.

It's still very nice of you to do such a charitable thing each year.
Charitable my ass. You don't have to steal much from each house to make a killing when you're visiting every hovel on this stinking planet.

Well, thank-you for the interview. I know you're very busy this time of year.
Busy hiding from lard-ass, sure. Got any smokes?